"Rest & laughter are the most spiritual and subversive acts of all. 

Rest, laugh, slow down." -Anne Lamott

And when I think that neither is possible, it turns out that both are exactly what I need. 

And when I judge or am judged for taking rest, I remember the subversiveness, the act of stealing away (like Jesus did), and I lean into it. 

And when I am stern and surly and salty, I remember that we were meant to come to Christ as children

(Matthew 19:14)

...and children LAUGH.

And so will I.

Well, it's been 5 years...

Ampersand...(ellipsis)

And here I am, thinking that it might be time to put words to "paper" since there must be SOMETHING to say after a blog hiatus of 5 years. Right?

I confess that I want to edit the words I wrote at 24, but there's something great about their permanence and their murk. It reminds me of past growth and makes me believe in future growth as well. So, in an effort to lock in this present moment for future posterity, I write.

First, to reflect on the events of 2009-2014 with the keen eye of hindsight...

& 34 weddings attended with their corresponding gifts and roles, including my sister's

& 13 roommates

& 2 jobs later with 1 bout of unemployment

& 2 trips to Morocco 

& 2 trips to the Netherlands

& 1 fellow who lives abroad

& now, on the cusp of a bold move at 29, I look back and see a lot of RISK, weak faith-me, faithfulness-God, hope & life that I just wouldn't trade for the safe.

Heaven forbid I make a choice out of fear.

Don't they say perfect love casts out fear? 1 John 4:18. Pretty sure that's what God is. Love.

So even though I'm afraid to write this, for fear that it might not be sure & true, I am planning a risk. I am setting off to the Netherlands to search for the job that only the Father can arrange for me. 

And though I'm afraid, & though it's a risk, I've always seen that

God.Is.In.The.Risk.

Here's to another 5 years of dependence, change, hope, love & risk. May I always choose it. May I choose to be where God is.

I want.

Morning Prayer: Psalm 119:33-40 (Book of Common Prayer)

Teach me, O Lord, the way of thy statues, and I shall keep it unto the end.
Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law: yea, I shall keep it with my whole heart.
Make me go to in the path of thy commandments; for there-in is my desire.
Incline my heart unto thy testimonies, and not to covetousness.
O turn away mine eyes, lest they behold vanity, and quicken thou in thy ways.
O stablish thy word to thy servant, that I may fear thee.
Take away the reproach that I am afraid of; for thy judgements are good.
Behold, I have longed for thy precepts: O quicken me in they righteousness.

Annisquam.

What a lovely weekend.

Subtle breeze. Billowing Clouds. Familie.

It's official...

Jersey cotton sheets are the best thing that have ever happened to me. Really.
Fine features:
* warmth!
* softness :)
* Moldability to the mattress for ease of sheet changing!
* Lacks pretension like other stiff sheets.
What a blessing.

No one I really know had a birthday today, but some friends of mine are expecting a baby on my birthday, and I believe that calls for CAKE.

Reality TV.

Having recently become addicted to both Project Runway and Top Chef, it strikes me that the judges critiquing that we all hate to love, is the socially acceptable way to gossip and feel that it is entirely justified.

In no other format can one be so blatantly honest and brutal, with the expectation and hope that one will be.

This results in the participants being challenged and pushed to greater heights, but it is also demoralizing and often heart breaking. Can these crushing critcal blows be dealt simply because competitors signed up to be subjected to it, and knew what they were getting into?

If the ultimate end is good, why can't I still get enough of the 'these were the worst' section? Because I love to see the judges be a little ruthless, maybe talk trash where I feel that I can't. The perfect set up for a slightly skewed Nation, and certainly for a flawed human being.

Am I living vicariously through the bashing of the judges, and is there something fundamently wrong about the drama created?

Perhaps. Yet I'll still tune in next week, waiting to see the score, hoping to know what not to do, next time.